Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Heart to Heart

So back to the intense conversations that I had with my husband on Saturday night.

The reason I wrote about his ex-wife and step daughter is that emotionally he is still messed up about how everything ended up. He feels guilty for walking away from the little girl, but he also feels like AM ripped her away from him. Unfortunately because he is not her biological father and he never adopted her, he has no legal rights to be able to see AR. It sucks.

One of the ways that this has impacted him psychologically is that he rarely ejaculates during sex. Also, lately we have not been having sex at all. Mostly because I feel fat and not sexy at all, and with his back issues I do not want to hurt him.

He is worried that I will leave him if we can't have children together. I think that there are a lot of avenues to discuss before we have to worry about not ever being parents. He is able to finish himself off - so I am going to talk to him about at home insemination once I lose a few pounds.

2012 will be about getting healthy mentally and physically.

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Ex Factor

It was another typical crazy weekend for myself and my husband.

Friday we met after work for dinner and then went out furniture shopping. We used the money his parents already sent us for Christmas and bought a dining room set. Now hopefully it is delivered tomorrow. It was supposed to be delivered yesterday, but two of the drivers called in sick.

Saturday I went to Wally World to get some shopping done and then in the evening we headed across the city for a birthday party at a small bar. This lead to my husband having a lot of fun, mostly involving beer and good talks with our friend GP.

Way back in one of my first blog posts (March 2010 maybe?) I mentioned that RW was married before. He still gets angry when he talks about her. When they met, she had a 2 year old daughter from a previous relationship (I will refer to my husband's ex as AM and her daughter as AR). It was mostly because of AR that AM and RW got married. He was in love with that little girl and AM wanted a father for her daughter. They got married, but separated shortly after their first anniversary. All they did was fight with one another, and both of them had cheated on one another.

RW would go see AR as often as he could up until Christmas of 2007. He loved that little girl, and considered her his daughter, but every time he spent time with her, he ended up fighting with her mother. So he decided that maybe it would be best if he didn't see AR for a while. Unfortunately AM took this opportunity and then prevented RW from ever seeing her again. He managed to see her school picture when they signed the divorce papers in early 2009. When Am re-married in December of 2009, a cousin of hers shared the pictures of AR with my husband, but when she found out she made the cousin take them off FB.

My husband has tried a few times to reach out and smooth things over with AM. He once wrote this very long email apologizing for his actions, but the only response he got from her was a lie about her cheating with one of his best friends. Every once in a while they will exchange a couple of texts, but she always stops answering first. A few weeks ago she said she would mail some old photos she found of my husband as a child, but we have not seem them yet.

In conversations that were had at the party this weekend, a lot of the emotional fallout of all of this was brought up. Both of us ended up shedding some tears, but we know that we love one another and really want to work on getting pregnant in 2012.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Broken Record

So two weeks ago I wanted to make a plan, to take some small steps towards getting healthy so that I can TTC in 2012.

I am my own worst enemy. I often procrastinate and take the easy way out. This is never good, it just makes me frustrated and upset with myself.

One of my excuses has been the cost of healthy food and a gym membership. My wonderful husband just got a $2000 a year raise as well as a year-end bonus. So finances are not a barrier right now. We were also were given an exercise bike from friends that moved - although it needs a power cord - but they think they found it, so we just need to arrange to meet up.

I need to go to bed earlier, so that I get up earlier, and have time for just 30 minutes of exercise.

The holidays are always a hard time for me to eat right and exercise, so I actually want to start now in the hopes that it will make January seem easy.

Friday, December 2, 2011

One Step at a Time

So I have to break this down and take this one step at a time.

This morning I weighed myself before my shower. 312.4 pounds - eek! My highest recorded weight was 337, right before I started WW in November of 2005. I refuse to see myself get to 320. In fact I am going to go back down to the 200's and say goodbye to being 300 plus pounds forever.

I did join the gym at work. Well it is a small gym that is in the same building as our office. The problem is that it is constantly booked and I am just not comfortable working out in such a small space with other people. In late Dec I am going to look into going back to Spa Lady - it really worked for me last time. I am also going to talk to my boss about working 9:00am to 5:30pm so that I have time to work out in the mornings.

So step one was to weigh in this morning.

Step two will be to log the food I eat.

Each small step will bring me closer to my goal of losing weight and getting healthy so that I can get pregnant.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Turn the Page

Ok, no more Halloween candy for me. I had way more than enough. It was delicious. Time to move on.

This morning I actually measured out my cereal and milk. I also have recorded what I ate so far today.

Other steps towards a healthier me include:
- drinking more water
- 30 min of exercise at least 5 times a week
- eating more fruits & veggies and less processed crap & carbs

In other news we are experiencing our first snow fall of the winter. The roads are icy and it took me an extra 20 min to get to work this morning.

Friday, October 28, 2011

My Favourite Time of Year

It is actually feeling like fall outside, instead of cool summer days. I love snuggling under the covers in the morning.

My car is in the garage - again. Third time in 2011. First it was the engine/rocker arm issues, then in July the brakes (front & back) were redone, now it is the alternator. Sigh.

We are mostly settled in the new place. Just a couple of things to organize, but all the boxes are unpacked. We had a great house warming party last weekend. A was even the first one there, and later in the evening, his wife L showed up for a while. The best part was how many people loved our new home. I have to make sure I thank the friend that we had come over to help decorate, she also did our wedding, and she rocks.

I joined the gym that is just down the hallway in my office building. Now if I could just schedule a time everyday to actually go. I am thinking that lunch time is best. Maybe an early or late lunch? Sometimes there are classes at 12:00pm.

Work is somewhat better. I am putting in more effort and I enjoyed training a new person in our Edmonton office.

My grandmother is finally in her own place (assisted living in Edmonton). My dad is recovering from a second surgery to fix his broken foot. He fell down the stairs in March, at least I think it was March, or maybe it was early April? Either way he had four pins placed in his foot to repair his toes and now he has had them removed.

If I could just get motivated to eat healthy and move more - I would feel comfortable with trying to conceive again. I have to stop thinking about where I would be now if I had continued to going to WW meetings for all of 2011. I have to look forward, not back. "What If" thoughts do not get anything accomplished. They just keep me stuck at 300 pounds.

I think that is everything that is on my mind right now.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

True Friends

We are moved and mostly settled into our new home. Just a few more boxes to unpack - mostly filled with books and stuff that goes into our second room/office. We have invited all of our friends over this Saturday for a housewarming.

Of course there were a few bumps with the move.

Our friends A&L had company coming in from Edmonton for the weekend. We all knew about this for weeks. They kept saying they would try to find a way to still help us out, even if it was only for a couple of hours. Well a day or two before the move A bailed on us completely - and at least had the decency to text to send a text to my husband. Where he went wrong, is that he told two different stories as to why he could not help out.

We got told that his friend from out of town (whom we have met once before), did not want to spend his vacation time moving. Fair enough. All we were asking it that A, and just A, come over and help load.

Our other friends got told that A's wife L wanted to go to Banff with their friends. So of course A bailed on us and did what his wife wanted.

Problem is that we were two of the people that helped out the most with their move in June. It was a Thursday and my poor husband did not get to bed until after midnight, when he had to work the next day.

Also - L is immature and selfish and continues to treat her husband like her child. She "allows" him to do things (that exact wording), and always tries to find a way to get her own way. We are all tired of it and wish A could see this.

Well what ended up happening is that all of our friends helped us out. No one went over to A&L's house for their housewarming that evening after the move. Instead they came over and helped us unpack.

A's relationship with my husband is still strained, and L is still mad at him. What? Mad at my husband?

I look back and realize we could have handled everything differently - that A&L were kind of caught between their friends from out of town and us - but all we expected was a couple of hours of help because we had gone out of our way to help them.

So now L will most likely not be coming over to our place anytime soon. But then I can only think of a very few times (maybe 5?) that she ever came over to our old place - and up until June we lived just down the alley from them.

There is so much more to this. It's complicated and I do not even know where to start.

We did have everyone else over this past Saturday for J's birthday (the dad that just had twins). It was a great time - but it would have been nice if A&L would have made a brief appearance.

I guess we just know who our true friends are now. Sigh.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Packing and Stuff

We get the keys to our new place on Friday !!

I am so excited but there is also so much work to do between now and then. An old co-worker and friend of RW's came over on Sunday to help pack. Monday evening we were both so tired that all we manged to do was park our butts n the couch. Yesterday my husband got to go to a pre-season hockey game for free, but I did manage to do some dishes and pack two boxes.

So now is the push to get as much as possible done over the next two nights.

It will all be worth it once we are settled in our new home.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Television, Wings & Cuddles

Last night RW and I went over to our friends' house to watch the season finale of Big Brother 13 and eat some damn good food. L is a terrific host and she made curry celery soup, homemade biscuits, and pulled pork. Delicious! (except I missed the fact there was no coleslaw for my pulled pork, I love the mixture of the coleslaw and the pork on the bun). Then we had cupcakes for dessert. Yummy! (good thing I am weighing myself in for WW on Friday AM, lol)

I was happy with the outcome of BB13 - except I could see how Porsche almost won. No one believed me that it would be a 4-3 vote. They kept thinking that Adam and Daniele would vote for Rachel. Thank goodness for Shelley (never thought I would say that).

I loved that Jeff won America's Favorite Player.

Tonight we are going over to J&L's house. She is going to make wings (more delicious food). I will get another chance to cuddle with their adorable son & daughter. The twins were born 4 weeks ago and they are so cute and for the most part easy going.

Before we do that we are meeting up with our landlord to get our copy of the rental agreement and go over a few things and give the damage deposit.

I can't wait to move into the new place.

This weekend will be all about the packing and organizing and more packing. Fun times.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Eat Healthy, Move More, and Repeat . . .

Hmmm - looking back on my last post from June a bunch of thoughts run through my head.

- Why do I not blog once a week or so? I love to write and get the thoughts out of my head. I love to talk about myself. I really need to just blog more, simply because it feels good.

- Well my last attempt at getting healthy lasted a couple of weeks. I keep making plans and then not following through. I need to find some way to motivate myself.

- We are moving in 11 days. I am really looking forward to this. The new place is the main floor of a house with 3 bedrooms, 1.5 baths and an open kitchen/living room. There is loads of storage and a huge backyard.

- The weather has changed and now it really feels like fall outside. Cool and crisp. I actually love it.

- RW and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary on Sept 4. We had lunch on a patio, dinner out at a restaurant where we had our first date in Calgary. He got me a card, and a figurine, and flowers. It was great.

- Our friends had their twins and I have had the opportunity to give them lots of cuddles. They really are adorable and well behaved (which is funny to say, since they are only 3.5 weeks old).

- I need to turn my wanting to have a child into my motivation to lose weight. Sounds easy enough, but I have to get that light to click inside my brain.

I am sure there a bunch of other things I could comment on, but I will leave it for today. Perhaps this will make me want to come back and blog more.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Back on the Wagon

Well it took about a month - but now I am back to actually tracking my WW points and doing WW online. My husband is actually going to do the program with me, as he has about 40 pounds to lose himself. He was shocked when I told him his goal weight, but I told him to just take it one step at a time.

So our first goals are to lose 5% of our current weight - which is 12 pounds for him and 15 pounds for me.

When I weighed myself on Monday I was back up to 302 pounds, but I will not beat myself up about this. I have real motivation right now. Not only do I have the support of my husband, but I really do not want to get pregnant right now carrying an extra 132 pounds around. It would not be healthy for me or the baby.

I actually counted the points up for my husband and myself this morning for our breakfasts and lunches. Right now I am drinking my first cup of water (note to self, I need a new water bottle to take to work) and last night I went for a 20min walk. My plan is to go to swimming tonight.

I have done this before and I can do this again!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Trying to Move Forward

I have been having a difficult time lately.

I stopped attending WW meetings, after I had lost 17.2 pounds. It has been hard to come up with the money for the meetings and pay down the dept we had from my husband being out of work for four months. As well as it was difficult to get to the meetings.

I want to try to do WW online (my mom said she would pay), but I keep enjoying all the good food at the various events of the past 6 weeks, and I never quite get back on program.

Maybe if I write it down here I WILL weigh myself on Friday morning and make up a healthy food plan for the week.

It has been a busy month and this will continue until June. First up is the Victoria Day long weekend full of plans and fun with friends. Then we are gong camping for two nights (May 27 & 28), and then on the 29th I leave for a sales retreat in Banff.

Our friends that are expecting twins are getting married on June 12. Our neighbours get possession of their new home June 17. The fourth couple in our group has a band and they are trying to release their first CD sometime in June.

When things get busy my eating habits are affected. I have to figure out a way to still eat right and exercise while enjoying my social life.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A little history

I have never been pregnant, never seen a positive pregnancy test, never even really thought there was a good chance I was pregnant (just a bunch of hopes that would crash down with temperature drops each month).

My mother on the other hand was extremely fertile. Unfortunately she had problems staying pregnant. Her incompetent cervix liked to dilate way before it was time to even think of those things. As a result I had an older brother that passed away at a week old in January of 1977, and a younger sister that passed away at almost a month old in 1981 (I feel bad for forgetting which month). My mom also had at least two 2nd tri miscarriages. She was dealt a crappy, crappy hand.

I somehow managed to make it to 31 weeks, and was born in October of 1977. I stayed in the hospital for a month, and other than my crummy lungs, I have no other long term effects.

My parents adopted their next child - my younger brother TJ - to continue with their plan of having 4 children.

When my mom got pregnant for at least the 6th time, she had her cervix stitched up, and my youngest brother was born the day after my birthday at 36, almost 37 weeks.

I really respect my parents for continuing to TTC and staying together while experiencing so much loss and heartbreak.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

If it is not one thing . . .

. . . then it is another.

I was on my way to work on Monday and all of a sudden my car started to make horrible knocking and popping sounds and it got worse as I tried to accelerate. I managed to make my way home and then drive it over to the auto shop by my house after work.

Of course it turns out to be a major issue - one of the rocker arms and valves separated and of course, in doing so, stripped the bolt. They tired a couple of different things, but to no avail, and now they are pricing out a new cylinder head.

Crap.

Now I will have to make a decision whether to spend the money to get it fixed, or let my poor first car go and drive my grandmother's boat for a while until I can afford a new (to me) car.

I am just not sure it is worth it to put a couple more thousand into a 2003 vehicle that also needs brake & shock work.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

What the Hell is IN the water - and can I drink some?

My poor husband got sick at work yesterday, and so I being the wonderful wife that I am, left my work to go pick him up and take him home. He felt like a truck ran over him and we were both worried about him getting home on public transit.

By the time I got home around 5:00pm, he was feeling better, not 100%, but much better. I was feeling more human again too, as AF had really sucked all the energy out of me this cycle. At least I was feeling good until I got some interesting news.

Yet again, one of our friends is experiencing an unplanned and unexpected pregnancy.

Sigh.

While I will give her all my support, and do whatever I can to help her out, I have to admit that I am really jealous. I ran out to grab us some dinner shortly after discussing this situation, and I will admit that I shed a few tears. When will it be OUR turn?

We both want this so much. We want to be parents and raise our children together. How is it so easy for most of the other people around us to get pregnant, but so hard for us?

Urgh.

Monday, March 28, 2011

It's Complicated

Well I was down a total of 15.6 pounds - then I went up .8 (which is nothing) - and then I missed two WW meetings. So this Thursday I will go back, take the consequences of not being totally on the program over the last two weeks, and move forward.

I am still not pregnant. With my husband not working we had not really been trying since our honeymoon in October . . . but on the other hand, I realized this weekend that it has been almost two years since I took my last birth control pill.

April 1, 2009 I took my last pill and on April 5 AF arrived and we starting trying to conceive. That works out to about 26 cycles, and not even a hint of sperm meeting egg. Even if we subtract the cycles where I was planning our wedding, and tried not to have sex around when I thought I might ovulate, that is still 10 cycles where we had a chance.

I have pretty regular cycles, I know I ovulate through temping, ovulation predictor tests and my fertility monitor - so why is this not working? I know I need to get back to a healthier weight, and I have always suspected I may have endometriosis, but lots of women get pregnant with these issues.

I am really starting to think this may have more to do with my husband than me. I know that he has issues with anejaculation (as in he does not finish and orgasm) when he is stressed or not feeling well - maybe this is a bigger problem than I thought?

My plan going forward is to really try (ie lots of sex around the time I ovulate) for the next few months, and if I am not pregnant by our first anniversary we can get some testing done.

I am going to try to relax and just have fun - that is supposed to work, right?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Working - the good and bad

Well my darling husband is now fully employed again! It is such a relief.

The next couple of weeks, until he receives his first pay cheque will be difficult, but after that it will much less stressful.

It's not too far from home, but the bus schedule is a little off in that area, so he ends up having to leave the house at 7:00am and gets to work just after 8:00am when he starts at 8:30am. Oh well, I guess it is time for him to eat his breakfast.

It also is only an average paying job, we were hoping (way back in November), for a new job that paid better than his old one, but at this point we are not going to be picky.

If only I could find a better job. I had yet another stupid disagreement with my boss, and all because I was doing what my manager here in Calgary had asked of me based on the information provided. We need to communicate better as a team. We also need to write proper notes in our database - and also READ the notes that are there. Why would you continue to contact a client if someone else already has? Urgh. I just really hate feeling like I did something wrong, when I am really only 10% to blame. The rest of the issue belongs to my manager, the other person working on the same account in Edmonton, and our VP of sales.

I do not get paid enough to put up with this crap.

But when would I have time to find and interview for another job? And if I do manage to get over those hurdles, what about the whole plan to get pregnant? I would lose out on maternity benefits if I started a new job, and then left on leave before a year.

I just want to have a baby and then find another job. Sounds so easy when you write it like that. Sigh.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Unemployment Drama

Well I have been back at WW for 5 weeks now and I have lost a total of 11.4 pounds - this is just a bit more than 2 pounds a week, which is excellent progress.

My husband had another job interview last week and I am just crossing every finger and toe that he gets this job. He should hear about it one way or another early next week.

He lost his job at the beginning of November. Well actually he quit because he thought he had a new opportunity lined up, and then it fell through while we were on our honeymoon. He tried to talk to his former company about working longer or keeping his job, but his boss had already processed the record of employment and she was upset about the small amount of notice.

It all started when he took off a morning for "an appointment at the bank" that was really the first step in interviewing for a new job. Since we were leaving on our honeymoon in just a few days, he stayed longer and had a one on one interview. So he was late getting to work.

Then he was feeling guilty. If he got the new job it would start the week after we got back from our honeymoon. So being a really nice guy, the Friday before we left on our cruise, he went in to talk to his boss and ended up giving his 2 weeks notice.

Except he was going on vacation, so it really ended up being 4 days notice (we had booked the Monday off of work after traveling all day Sunday). So whether he had talked to his boss before the honeymoon or not, it was the same amount of notice. Urgh !

Then he got an email while we were on the trip that he did not get the new job. Crap. On top of all of this, his old job would not pay him for the vacation as he left 4 days after getting back. Double Crap.

Looking back there are so many other ways I wish my husband would have handled this, but you cannot go back in time.

So for three months he has been looking for work. He has gone on about 5 interviews, but no results yet.

At this point, I don't care if it it temp work or part time - he just needs a job.

Sigh. Life is just so complicated sometimes - all because my husband was just trying to be considerate and a nice guy.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Swimming along

Well I am doing well. I have lost almost 4 pounds on WW and I hope to increase that number tomorrow. It is great how easily I have slipped back into portion control and counting points. It is a comfortable hat.

I have also started to go to the pool. My neighbour, L, and her husband A, got married in February of 2010 and they are also trying to conceive their first child. She is also doing WW, but the online program. She invited me to go to the pool with her one evening, and I forgot how much I love to swim. For the first couple of times I was just swimming laps - but I am going to try out deep water aerobics tonight. It is a start in getting some exercise in everyday.

We have been having issues with our wireless router at home, and we only got it in September. I am not sure what is going on but I tried a bunch of different things, and nothing has worked so far. So unfortunately we have to keep the laptop hooked up to the internet with a cord. Hopefully my husband can call the help line and get this figured out. I love him but I am the more technologically savvy member of this partnership. He is the one who has more time though as he is not working . . . which I do not think I have mentioned yet. I will go into that another day.

Right now it is back to work for another couple of hours and then home to eat the yummy stew that has been simmering away in our slow cooker all day. Delicious.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

1/1/11

It is very neat that today is January 1, 2011 - so 1/1/11. I like when the numbers are the same like that.

It is also Cycle Day 11, as in the 11 Day of my menstrual cycle, and all signs point to me ovulating tomorrow. I don't really want to get pregnant this month. My BMI is at 45 right now, and I just do not think it would be healthy for me or a baby. I am working on this and I know that I can lose weight on the WW program, it will just take time. I just need to figure out home to get some exercise everyday as it is too bloody cold outside to walk right now. I have a couple of videos, I just need to get off my lazy butt.

Monday, January 10, 2011

It's 2011, yep it is

There is so much going on in my head right now, and I finally realized that this would be a perfect place to unload some of my thoughts.

OK, so my first thought is that I need to blog more in 2011. It's not so much a resolution as it is a goal. It should not be hard to write a couple of posts a month.

I started back at Weight Watchers on last Thursday. So far it is going well. I like the new Points Plus program as I get to eat lots of fresh fruit (they are zero points), and since we now figure out points using protein/carbs/fiber/fat, I have 48 points a day. They are different points, but I still love that I have more.

My grandmother, my dad's mom, my only living grandparent was in the hospital. She flew to Edmonton on Dec 17 an was supposed to fly out of Edmonton to Victoria on Dec 20. The whole family was gathering at the new home in Victoria for Christmas. Well it did not go as planned. On the night of Dec 17, my grandmother slipped on the stairs, twisted, did not fall, but did manage to break her leg. She had surgery on Dec 19 to place a pin on her femur.

It has not been going well. He leg is fine, and healing nicely, but all these other issues cropped up. Her back is a mess, has been for years, but it contributed to the broken leg. Her stomach was bothering her from the pain medication her doctor prescribed for her back pain. So she was not eating. She is still not eating well. She has lost a lot of muscle tone.

Now, she is in assisted living back in Medicine Hat. They discharged her from the hospital on Jan 7 and flew her home with barely an hour's notice. Urghhhh. So my mom had to travel down there in horrible weather and will now try to get her eating and up moving and better enough to fly her back to Edmonton. Then my parent's can set her up in their house with home care.

It's complicated and aggravating and my grandmother is being so stubborn (not eating and fighting everyone).

I just want my grandmother to be there at my cousin's wedding this year. I want her to be able to hold her first great grandchild, hopefully mine, after I finally get pregnant. I want her to move out to Victoria with my parents (which was the plan all along).

Hopefully my mom will have got her eating again when I talk to her today or tomorrow.